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Last week we explored how requesting, rather than complaining, will improve your life. This week I received an interesting question regarding the challenge of what to do when it's someone else complaining to you.

Dear Coach Dee,
I really like the idea of asking for what I want instead of complaining. I tried it with one of my employees who has a tendency to walk into my office, unannounced, and talk, talk, talk when I really need to work. I used to complain with my colleagues in the cafeteria. This time I told him to schedule an appointment any time he needs to speak with me. So far, so good!

My problem now is what do I do when it's someone else who won't stop complaining? My good friend, Jill, lives with Don who has a grown daughter. For years, Jill has had the same complaints about Don's drinking and how Don and his daughter get into screaming fights.

I explained to Jill that she needs to stop complaining and take charge. But she won't do it. I think she's too scared to talk to Don about his drinking and the fights. Since she won't do anything to change her situation, I requested that she stop complaining about it to me. She won't.

What can I do?
-Confused in California


Dear Confused in California,
First let me say, well done! I'm glad you've had success making requests in your own life.

Have you heard the saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come"? It doesn't sound like Jill is ready for the teacher. Right now, she isn't ready to talk to Don, nor is she going to stop complaining to you.

I'm guessing Jill's complaints have become a toleration for you? If that's true, it's time to add Jill's complaining to your list of tolerations. And time for you to Zap it!

I suggested five ways to zap tolerations in Issue 2:

  1. Do it yourself
  2. Get someone else to do it
  3. Get rid of it
  4. Find something good in it
  5. Accept it

In this situation 3-5 are your choices to deal with Jill complaining to you.

3. End the friendship

4. Find something good in her complaining. It might seem like a stretch, but get creative and design a strategy that's right for you. For example, every time she complains you might think of what you're grateful for in your own life.

5. Accept her complaining. Don't react to her and waste your energy. Just let her vent and perhaps consider your listening as a gift to her.

Keep me posted on your progress!
Coach Dee

Let me know if you have any questions or suggestions and I'll meet you in The Coaching Corner next week for How John Increased His Energy Without Dieting or Exercise

Warmly,
Dee

Find out how a coaching relationship with Dee will help you live Your Life, Your Way.